One way to spend your time after exams is to go on dates. William Hogarth was a man who knew about the perils associated with dating in modern Britain. Look, he drew about it!
Hogarth Before and After 1736
To stop any dating disasters, we will share with you our expertise gleaned from our very real experiences in an easy to digest Do and Don't format:
- Pepper your vocabulary on dates with interesting long words, for example: Proverbial, Genocide, and Tenacity. Make sure you use them incorrectly.
- If your date is 6 ft 8", do consider how this may impact on your facebook profile picture. You don't want it looking like this!
- In the event you need to avoid further dates, let them know you have lost the next month from your calendar so cannot make plans for the near future. These things happen.
- If you meet a man who is extremely holy, one way to make him forget about all that is to pop on a song. Our personal favourite? I see You Baby by Groove Armada. Dance provocatively. He'll be atoning in no time!
- Do choose grinding songs wisely, Celebrate Good Times by Kool and the Gang is not always appropriate.
- If ever there is an awkward silence on your date, do raise your glass to your partner and say "CHEERS". It'll make them feel good. There is no limit on how many times you can do this.
- Maybe one of your hobbies is making photo montages? Great, good for you! Perhaps consider hiding these from girls.
- If you are a fan of Neil Strauss, and let's face it some of us are, do make it obvious you are following a game plan, some girls find this sexy.
- When you add an attractive stranger on facebook, it is inevitable that at some point you will see them in the flesh. Once this happens, consider your options. We suggest sending this message: "Was it you? It was me." Expect this reply: "I thought so. It was me!"
- When you add your crush's housemate, change your profile photo to a ferocious animal. Your own housemates will probably want to do the same. For dramatic effect, ensure you all add them at precisely the same time.
- Do make sure there is no Cornetto on your face before attempting to woo.
- If you see a man in a club and you want him to be your boyfriend, point at him, and make a thrusting action with your pelvis. This has proven to have a 110% success rate!
- If you bring a man into your bed, you should consider his comfort. Remove large objects, such as lever-arch files from the bed. But if you forget, not to worry.
- Don't talk at length about any of the following without encouragement: Lost Prophets, Neighbours, Crabbing, Incest.
- Don't think you can get away with shoddy spelling, you may offend. For example, "Hey Sweaty!" or "I want to wind and dine you".
- Perhaps 10 messages along these lines "ite hun have 2give us ya num n give us text wen on island :)) xx" will not get you the girl. See the first tip for vocabulary suggestions.
- Thinking of revealing your dating tips on your local radio station? Don't. Create a blog instead.
- If you have recently met a boy and have his number on your phone, keep your male best friend away from your phone. He might text him multiple times with flirty X-factor jargon such as "do you wanna come round and factorise tomo? and then we can physically factorise?" followed by "Sorry mate over-zealous. girls eh? lol. Wagner?"
- If you bring a boy back, it may be detrimental for your two best friends to invite him into their bed instead to join in one of their 3AM binges on 1990s Eastenders episodes.
- Lastly, DO NOT use the internet as an outlet for dissing! Remember: your mama taught you better than that! (see Destiny's Child Survivor 2001 for more useful relationship advice).
Ciao Ciao (Miao Miao)
xxx
